Nope, this isnt in reference to the crazy chaotic life that engulfs us from sun up to sun down tending to the needs of our kids, or in my case prepping everything for the first day of school. This actually has to do about RUNNING. Specifically, about me and running. Two things that have not always been strangers, but definately two things that happily coexisted on alternate universes for the last dozen years. I read a book here a few weeks ago, and to say it has left an impact on me would be the understatement of the century. I have always devoured books, been a learner at heart, but this book I was so engulfed with, so engaged and inspired beyond measure. In the past 5 years most books lining my bookshelves have been about teaching, kids, parenting... lets see looking up here:
Raising Repsectful Children, Bringing Up Boys, Living SImply with Children, Magical Child, Raising a Reader, etc... get the point... That is my focus, has been my focus... and that has its place and is well BUT.. I ordered A Weekend to Change Your Life from Amazon when I needed to add one more thing to get free shipping (cuz who doesnt love free shipping)... I usually keep my TO READ's in my cart at AMAZON just for this purpose... and it worked out that I was ready for this read.
I began running earlier this year, and had to put it on hold for health reasons, but missed it, then fell back into the, oh well, when I can again I 'might' run some more, stage.. you know when you start thinking well, maybe I didnt love it as much as I remember. The "maybe the heat, the sweating, the being sore wasnt really worth it" self talk took over. But I read and read and read this book again, its hard to describe the various aspects of the words in this book that spoke to the core of my being, but I think so many things were occuring simultaniously to get me to this point, so I was open to the words. Sitting at the park reading the book while the kids were playing on the playground, I felt free, and I wanted to RUN. Right then and there I found myself. But what gets better is during the run, I found more of me, and each time I run, I find more...
and wouldnt you know I found a bit more of ME. Each time I read a story I am connected to the writer in some aspect of their journey, as it mirrors some aspect of mine. I am soooo glad Cathy Zielske is sharing her journey, because that is how I found RLAM. And "Run like a Mother, Sting Like a Bee, and Live with Purpose" is my new moto.
For the past 12 years since my first failed pregnancy I was living with a mother mindset, one that was skewed incorrectly, seeing things through glasses that were not mine to wear. Not a slave to the position of being a mom, but neglecting who I was because of the role I took on as a mom. 4 healthy beautiful kids a few more failed pregnancies later, I didnt know ME anymore. Dont get me wrong, my kids -man do I love each one of them, good days, bad hair days, crazy attitude days, I love their snuggles, and their growing and curiosity, I love their personalities developing and the people they are becomming. I love that they are a gift to me, LOVE LOVE LOVE... them.. but in the process I quit loving ME.. It was about THEM 24-7 and that is so easy to do. So you can see how recently, it being ABOUT ME, is a PRETTY HUGE deal.
Balancing life is more than tricky at best, and doing it well, I tip my hat to the moms that do it ALL... I try to do the best I can with what I have, and in that I try to open up every possible opportunity to my kids to help them develop into individuals that live with passion and purpose, serving the greater good, but also being satisfied in themselves. But I can only give them as much of me as I am able to KNOW about ME. I cant give them happiness if I am not happy, I cant give them empathy if I am not empathetic, I cant give them a sense of belonging if I feel out of place. So what justice am I doing by living in the humdrum of daily life if I am not whole full and complete enough to give them ALL of who I am - who I was created to BE.
Everyone has layers, masks, roles they play in life but the one with the most importance is the one we are when there are no eyes watching, when we are alone, when there is no task to be tended to, no dishes to be done, no meetings, no PTO, no frustrations, no bad dreams to sing away.... and when you RUN, when I RUN -its just THAT its just ME! Its the real, raw, revelation of who I am and who I have become and what I want to be.
so many possibilities...